'Bizarre Love Triangle' by New Order

Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through
Into a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living the life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say
Every time I see you falling
I'll get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

(*also excellently performed by Frente)

It was the SILENCE

It was an usual night
Loitering here and there
Noise from crowds of people
Noise from traffic
Banging, clashing, slamming -
You stood out from the crowd
That face -
Stunned, frozen with no expressions
Or with restricted emotions
You walked pass with him
No words
That gaze
That silence
Still remind me of the question
Unasked

為你

無論是晴是陰暗 無論快樂與憂心
期待漫長路有你共行
無論路程是遠近 無論面臨是苦困
仍然只想跟你過一生
誰沒被名利吸引 平淡卻是我所爭
期待漫長夜有你蒞臨
奉上熱誠地慰問 奉上肩膊做倚靠
平凡之中都已覺得興奮
講不出那樣吸引 或是命中緣份
能相識到你太幸運 誰令我安份
講不出那份感覺 像幻夢竟變真
而彼此感覺那點真
為你我情願改變 為你我願意犧牲
為你任何事我也都應允

這是你給我，也是我給你的一首歌

給妳們的信（二）

今天可算是我最後回學校的日子。友人問我有否很心酸的感覺，我想了一會，就答「沒有」。在答的時候閃過了這學校的每一個角落，都是一些死物－－所以，我真的對它們沒有感覺。現在再想起這最後一天，心往下沉－－腦海閃過的是一張張熟悉的臉孔，他與她們都是掛著笑臉的。

對於同事們，有好幾個很是感激。在同房的同事中，她們可是非常友善，經常幫助我解決問題。對於我這個messy的同事，她們很有patience－－多謝！其他教同科目的同事，有些在年中給予我很多在教學的意見，又提供教材，亦詳細解釋科組的運作－－多謝！對於這一年來與我分享快樂、憤怒、悲傷、興奮的心情的同事，我除了一聲「感謝」，也不知道說什麼好。容許我說：我們繼續保持聯絡吧！他與她們，都是掛著笑臉的好同事與朋友。

另外的「她們」呢－－都是我的小天使。這些小天使為我帶來許多的美夢，許多的歡樂，許多的期待。她們令我期待每一個教學日、每一課、每一刻；在課室內，她們是我的小天使。小天使就是每一天都很快樂的，她們愛說說笑笑，她們愛玩，她們也愛搗蛋。她們的活潑似乎都令我感到學校生活的愉快，特別是教學的愉快；雖然她們也會懶惰，但是我總是會原諒她們的小惰性。因為，她們豐富了我第一年的教學生活，我的很多不足她們都容納了，而我對於她們的，又從可以太嚴厲？有時候，我真的發怒了，對不起，那都是因為我怕我的縱容會害了妳們。小天使依然是小天使，對於我，她們總是掛著笑臉；對於我，她們就是那麼令人疼愛的小天使。

其中的八十三張小天使的臉，尤其難忘。

我深深的吸了一口氣，那些影像悄悄地又回到我的記憶裏。

總值七百大元的三個半小時

去書展，又喜又悲，既訓練自己的腦筋，又鍛鍊自己的耐力。昨天的一役，事前先想好從哪出發－從尖沙咀碼頭坐渡輪到灣仔果然是輕鬆許多；繼而，進場後只集中最大的展覽廳亦是明智之舉。唯美中不足的是最後要到「迫過花市」的HALL 2而破壞了整日的好計劃... 唉！

以下是總值七百大元的斬獲（原來以為要「燒」了整張一千大元...）：

＊ 文化研究精讀本：

• Introducing Camus (Albert Camus, winner of Nobel Prize for Literature)
• Introducing Levi-Strauss and Structural Anthropology (Claude Levi-Strauss, the inventor of structural anthropology)
• Introducing Machiavelli (Niccolo Machiavelli, author of 'The Prince')

＊ 繪本：

• 一個人的第一次（圖文：高木直子）（已有的其他繪本：一個人住第五年，一個人上東京）
• 小蝴蝶小披風 Shiny and Moony（圖文：幾米）（已有的其他繪本：照相本子）
• 又寂寞又美好 Beautiful Solitude（圖文：幾米）

＊ 英語學習：

• 學生英語趣味詞林 The First Fun Thesaurus（Cindy Leaney, 商務出品）（近期買了好幾本商務出版的英語學習書籍－品質實在很好！）
• Longman Writing Guide (Upper Secondary) (Patricia Irvin)

＊ 電影效應：

• The Da Vinci Code (Special Illustrated Edition) (Dan Brown, Hardcover) (I just couldn't miss this out -- dying to get hold of one copy for long!)

還不是因為雙腳已成殘廢以及會場近乎「迫爆」狀態，大概會再多逛幾間然後「燒」盡餘下的三百大元。

捧著九本書回家的心情是愉快的，哈哈！

令我再一次感動的說話

今日收到一封email, 以下是一段她從某同學仔的blog所copied回來的說話:

「m mok 同 j ngan 都要走 la ,, 好唔捨得 tim~
唯有 form 3 我的 eng 堂是真正學到野的 >.<"
我讀 eng lit 都係想俾 m mok 教 ......... disappointed
i'll miss u always ]]*」

眼淚又不期然地掉下來... 心裏萬分謝意... 也有萬分歉意...

給妳們的信（一）

現在電腦屏幕前儘是咭、「作文」、玻璃樽...

今天竟然已是最後一天。
昨晚睡不好，今天的黑眼圈顯得特別「鮮明」。惡運的延續－－今早本打算早一點回來跟妳們拍拍照，卻中途遇上交通意外。對不起，讓妳們等了。
今天到禮堂本以為只是在台上坐著看，已經不幸地因遲了「霸位」而要坐第二行，更不幸是有關老師離開的宣佈（太尷尬），最不幸的還是要走到台前領紀念品－－真恐佈！實在說，完全不想往台下望，左邊前排是4B，另在右邊又看到4E的同學。眼神怕一接觸，便按捺不住...
心情很複雜，在唱校歌的時候，很想細心地看看禮堂，也看看正在唱歌的同學們。可是，就是「不敢」。
走的時候只想悄悄地走，奈何被某老師截停了。結果，還是要寒暄了幾句才離開。

有一件事妳們都很想知道－－我離開的真正原因；可是，我更想妳們知道其他老師離開的原因。這都是因為不想妳們「胡亂推測」，所以我很想在此「交代」及「澄清」：
（一）MR TANG 與 MS CHUNG － 提早退休，也許因為某些原因而感到太累
（二）MS WAN － 因申請提早退休不果而自動辭職，個人理由
（三）SR WINNIE － 雖然不十分清楚，但多是因為想為教會多服務而自動離職再由教會調配
（四）MR NGAN － 個人理由而辭職（並不是傳聞的被辭退）
這些老師大部份都是自動離職的，如有任何歪曲事實的傳言而令同學們對學校失去信心，希望妳們作為ST PAUL'S的一份子而代澄清。不過，請只說「資料來源由可靠人士提供」！:)

至於我，亦都因為近來在教員室的謠傳而開始感受到「人言可畏」。對於妳們，我可是很誠實。其實我早在上學期尾已感到自己並不會在ST PAUL'S教上許多年，這裏亦不是我理想的工作環境。這是一所天主教女校，起初一心想著教文學，奢想這裏會不同於德望，想法太天真。

我就是那些太放縱而不懂遵守規則的人，在這裏，我感到... 我的自由給扼殺了。我尊重別人的意見，我亦希望其他人尊重我；我挑戰「權威」並不是我存心攪破壞，而我只是討厭獨裁。在一些傳統的學校，我實在感到很吃力（不討好）。這只是選擇的問題，有些人愛有組織的，而我只不過不是那些人。

在新校，我所看見的是更大的自由度及多元化。雖然，正如Robert Frost在'The Road Not Taken'說，人們所見的有限，可我就以我所能看見的加上自己的一些期望，決心要去試一試。

四月與校長會面過，當時仍未拿定主意，學校當然有權出廣告招聘老師，以防萬一，亦可看看「市場上」有否更有資格的人選。後來，還是一邊廂找教席，一邊廂掙扎是否想多留一年。是，我只想多留一年，好讓我跟妳們走過中四中五。命運註定－－在學校還在會見招聘人選時，我已經有'offer'（一時想不起中文譯名）。聽過高人的意見後，決定離開。

我與學校任何一位「高層」並沒有任何爭執，亦沒有被人「問話」過，所以，真的希望那些誇張的傳言能暫停。當然，在需要的時候，我會表明自己的立場。

***

這是第一封信，很想交代以上這些令妳們對學校的誤解再一次反思。

與4E的緣

剛才翻開校刊, 突然發現... 當年的我原來讀4E!

For Bunny

Charming little face resembles so much of
How you look and smile
An angel?
Now the angel calmly lays
Growing minute by minute

'Knock-knock'
Who's there?
On the cold operating table
Kin most dearest to me
Yelping
And there I was
Near to her - my beloved in my life

To my dearest 4E gals

You all made my 28th birthday special because of your care for me. I held my tears back as I didn't want to spoil the heartwarming moments. When you're singing the birthday song to me, I was looking around to see all your lovely faces - the faces that I've been seeing for this year and those that I'll keep in my memory. THANK YOU SO MUCH! You should know I'm not an expressive person but I do want to say: I love you all!
Thanks again for making me feel different/special on this very day. What else can I ask for with such caring, charming and kind students?!

My Favourite Air Supply Song - Goodbye

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life

CHORUS
I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

CHORUS
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

My cousin's wedding

Last Saturday was my cousin's wedding (daughter of my dad's sister). It was a totally 'strange' experience.
I remembered we used to play together when we're still STUPID kids. Grandma always had to take care of us naughty ones. In fact, what she did was 'trapping' us into her room and let us SCREAMED and JUMPED around. I remembered my cousin and I liked to play girlie stuffs like dolls. Anyway, we're like good mates.
Things started to change when we're older, it's just about P.5 or P.6 that we hardly saw each other, contacted and talked to. Something went WRONG. Even if we saw each other, we felt embarrassed to initiate anything, like a chat. It's as if we're not meant to do things like we did before. It was around the time when I went up to secondary school.
Should I blame my dad for being tall and 'educated'? My cousin (and all other cousins) and even my aunts (my dad's sisters) always said (and even go as far as 'criticised') that our family (dad, my BIG brother and I) was strange as to be so tall (dad and brother were 5'10" ONLY and I was like 5'7"). And they're like... sorry to say, 'dwarves' to us (on average, they're not even 5-feet tall). They even isolated us as we're the 'educated' ones, saying things like 'Oh, you SMART ones wouldn't bother to talk to us STUPID lots'. It sounded nonsensical coz I treated them as relatives, not STRANGERS. If appearance and education do matter to them, we can't do anything but step back.
That's how my cousin and I have been putting our relationship farther and farther - till we've grown to keep our eye contact to the minimum.
And that's what all these have taken me to - a state of 'calmness'. I don't laugh too loud, cry too much and say... a lot (or simply, don't say anything).
Sitting in the round table with 11 other relatives around me, I couldn't feel anything but the alienation that has been overwhelming for years.

One touch is like confession.