Love Me Knot

Am I wrong to be annoyed that my boyfriend never buys me Valentine's Day cards, flowers or shows everyone he loves me by making some sort of gesture? He says cards and flowers are often meaningless and he would rather show he loves me in his own way.

Sounds as if you have a bad case of Valentine's blues. I also get annoyed - but it's with the way the commercial sector manipulates relationships and businesses cause expensive, unrealistic expectations between partners.

Women are led to believe that if a man really loves her he'll bring her anything from flowers, chocolates, and poetry to diamonds, cars and furs - that is, love with a conspicuous price tag. Men who don't shower their sweeties with goodies are seen as wanting.

But you aren't asking for the moon. You just want to feel cherished. You're entitled to have a tender gift from this chap occasionally or have him hold your hand in public every now and again.

I think you should accept your boyfriend as he is and not have a hidden agenda to change him. You can't change him, anyway. All you can change is yourself and that's a lot, because as you change you tell people, especially your boyfriend, how you expect to be treated.

If you want a romantic gesture every now and again, you must tell him clearly. Since blokes tend to go blank when it comes to displays of affection, your boyfriend may need some specific suggestions. For example, tell him you like lilies instead of just saying you like flowers. The goal is to create a win-win situation - when he goes to the flower shop he knows what to get and knows it will please you and you get the flowers.

The card and flower industry shouldn't get rich from your boyfriend's gestures, but he needs to show his love for you in a way that reflects your needs, not his. In lasting relationships partners shape their behaviour to please their mate. That ability to bring joy to each other can be very satisfying and enhances relationships.

As people choose to alter their behaviour to bring happiness to others, they grow emotionally.

You need to let your boyfriend know why you feel annoyed. Just as you respect his need to be a bloke, he needs to sometimes please the girl in you. Making you happy should motivate your boyfriend to change a bit.

And I hope you can find some way to reward him, and to encourage him to make you feel loved in a girly way.

- Sharon Glick